Burned by the F-zone

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The Friendzone. 

I don’t even need to write anything else, you’re already cringing reading that awful F word. However, I shall proceed as this is a matter of high urgency that needs to be addressed.

At one point in time we all have been, or will be, burned by the Friendzone. I am going to break this down for you in case you have been living under a rock for the last few centuries. Basically, back in the 1800’s female-hating philosophers created the Friendzone to make life more difficult for single women. Then, in the 1920’s, around the same time American women got their acts together and gained suffrage, the tables turned and women started to Friendzone men! Ah-HA! Take that evil women-hating philosophers.

Wait, I never defined the Friendzone did I? Okay, let’s back track. Let me explain the most common Friendzone scenario:

Have you ever met someone, clicked with that person on one level but just can’t find it in you to see yourself as anything more than friends with that person? Has that person not felt the same though? As in, they want more from this relationship, as in, you want to talk to them about your bowel movements and the psoriasis you’re dealing with but they want to talk about baby names and taking vacations together?

Well, this my friend is a one-sided friendship, you just Friendzoned someone but they more-than-Friendzoned you. And more often than not, these relationships will crash and burn and the friendship will dwindle and die out. It’s painful to be friends with someone who doesn’t see you as anything more than just a friend especially when you have feelings for them. Unless of course, you’re a robot with no emotions and can cope with that. In that case, carry on in your doomed Friendzone relationship. Or maybe you’re like someone I know and you Friendzone people because you once read in your Honors Chemistry book in 2006 that friends make the best lovers so you’re F-zoning every potential in hopes that they fight like hell to get out and you will have a best-friend/spouse and life will be dope. Probs not though, but cute idea.

I am going to share some situations with you so that maybe you don’t make these same mistakes, or maybe so you realize you’re currently Friendzoned… *awkward*. I am going to try to be as discreet as possible since this happened with individuals who are still connected with me on social media networks and I know will probably read this. You’re probably thinking ‘didn’t she just say the friendship will die out? why are they still connected on social media?’. Well, you know nothing about life. Everyone knows the first to unfriend someone loses. I am not a loser. But this post will do the dirty work for me. Anyway, here it goes…

Reasons I have Friendzoned:

  • I don’t find him physically attractive
  • I find him (too) physically attractive (until he opened his mouth also->cheater/a-hole potential)
  • I am afraid of rejection
  • I am emotionally numb
  • I don’t want to gamble away our friendship
  • He is too short
  • He is too tall
  • He is too overweight
  • He is skinnier than me
  • He works with me- this could be a recipe for disaster (it is)
  • He is not Muslim
  • He is (too) Muslim
  • He has potential to be a liar
  • He is a liar
  • He is too nice
  • He is a jerk
  • He is boring (and shy)
  • He is awkward
  • He never asked me out
  • He cries
  • He has a questionable sexuality
  • He has too much facial hair
  • He doesn’t have facial hair
  • He is too young (one of the biggest mistakes of my life- people get older every year; *now wait it out- just wait it ouutt* I hope you sung that part)
  • He is too old (but is an immature, overgrown manchild with daddy issues)
  • He is obsessed with me- I just met you, why do you feel the need to add me on FB and Snapchat, follow me on IG and Twitter, Connect with me on LinkedIn and Chat with me on gchat. I draw the line at emailing my work email. No. Stop. STOP IT.
  • You know too much (he is a player and you know it *clap ya hands*)
  • You like his single friend more than you like him
  • He is not my Naseeb (aka, he is not destined for me because things haven’t worked out, and he who is my naseeb will come into my life when Allah deems fit, when I am ready and he is ready- *for all my awesomeness*)

Reasons I have been Friendzoned:

  • I have never been put in the Friendzone because I am perfect.

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I am such a bad liar, hope you had time to recover from that bad joke… Here it goes:

  • I put them in the Friendzone and so they put me there too
  • I have manly shoulders
  • I have a strong social media presence which is intimidating
  • I am intimidating (I will leave this to the imagination, no further commentary needed)
  • I have a job (they don’t)- this could go in the other list too bc I don’t want no broke a$$ ni99a
  • I don’t “need” them and this makes them feel irrelevant as a “man”
  • I don’t know how to eat sushi like a lady
  • I share too much information about my bowel movements/frequent bathroom trips (coffee is a diuretic, OKAY ?)
  • My lipstick is too bright
  • I am cute, nobody wants anything more than friendship from a cute girl
  • I am a “bro”
  • He doesn’t want to “ruin our friendship”
  • I am awkward and don’t know how to flirt

*Please note the above lists have been dramatized for heightened comedic effect and many bullets have adopted from reliable sources (my friends)

Now, for the real reason you are reading this…

How to escape the Friendzone:

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HAHAHAHHA- did you really think you could escape? IT’S BASICALLY A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DOOM.

However, according to Google, in order to remove oneself from this zone of doom you need to subtly touch the other person. I am serious, I didn’t make this up, Google told me so, and Google is always right. Unfortunately for me, I’m super awkward and the word subtle is not in my dictionary. I tried the “wanna hold my hand” trick but. Okay, I will stop here. It’s safe to say, removing yourself from the Friendzone is NOT easy (or possible). But seriously though, just be straight up and lay out your intentions if you want to be with someone let them know, what’s the worst that could happen? I mean, having your heart crushed isn’t so bad, I think everyone should try it a few times in their 20’s. I mean, aren’t your 20’s all about experimenting?

Public Service Announcement: If you or anyone you know has been a victim of the Friendzone know that you are not alone. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 2 men have been a victim of the F-zone. If you are having suicidal thoughts or feel hopeless please call 1-800-They-A-Dime-A-Dozen-Get-Over-It! No, but really. Everyone is unique and perfect in their own way, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t see you as anything less than that. Someone who accepts, respects and loves you wholly, flaws, quirks and all. Stay single until you meet someone who knows your worth, someone who compliments, not completes you.

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Here’s a really dope pic of me in a pink wig at a 5k I did for charity.

Please vote using the poll below. Leave a comment and let me know what Single Tales you want to read about. And don’t forget to “like” this post and “Share the Humor” with your friends!

Until next time.

Xx H

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People Say I have a “Way with Words”

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Hello, my name is Hoda and I have a rare-incurable disease. Some people refer to it as “Single” but I know better than that, they know nothing about life. I see the way they look at me. The same way you would look at someone who just told you their puppy was terminally ill. I am just a typical 20-something year old college grad working full-time at a fortune 500 company, completing my Masters part time, volunteering on the weekends and beating a 120 pound kickboxing bag 5x a week (I have abs, but I can’t show you because I cover). I’m a Muslim-American-Egyptian addicted to fashion, food, family and friends.

But more importantly, I am single and every chance someone gets they remind me of that, why is THAT? Have I not achieved anything in life until I have committed to a man? Is my college degree irrelevant if I don’t have to cook and clean every day? People say I have a way with words and some people find me funny, so I decided to share my funny single tales (which have been over dramatized for heightened comedic effect) with the world. I don’t believe in being selfish and so here I am, bestowing wisdom, humor and sarcasm on all my readers (or lack thereof). I’m hoping my posts will inspire people, make people laugh (maybe even cry). I once told my 8th grade English teacher (God rest her soul) that I would continue to write, so here I am, keeping my word in hopes that these ramblings will help me cope with the unfortunate fact that I am, indeed, as single as a dolla dolla bill ya’ll $.

Wait, I just want you all to know, I am not bitter, or sad, I actually have so many blessings in my life that I am grateful for each and every day. I just figured if I am going to be single I might as well laugh at it. #Yolo

Stay tuned, I’ll be posting weekly starting January 11th. In the meantime, here’s a really single (happy) pic of me on NYE.Image

xX

H