Disclaimer: I am about to spit some serious truth here so if you’re a pansy who can’t handle the truth please feel free to #swerve. As for the brave souls who can handle the harsh reality that is life and love please continue reading…
When I was 15 my older brother, 11 years my senior, unknowingly gave me the best relationship advice to date. He told me what I hope every teenage girl and every young woman realizes before it’s too late. He explained to me that I need to be whole on my own before I would be truly ready to settle down. He said that if I was incomplete and seeking a relationship for the sake of completing myself (which, at that age, is what many young girls are doing) that I would never truly be whole or independent on my own. He brought to light a valid point, what if things end with that person? I would be so lost and confused, incomplete. I think we forget that we should not be with someone for the sake of being with someone to complete us. Instead we need to be whole on your own and find someone who compliments us… So, sorry Katy Perry, I don’t want my missing puzzle piece. I want to already be complete.
As the journey to finding myself continues I am growing and learning the relevance of the advice my brother gave me nearly ten years ago. I am also realizing, with the help of some candid conversations with friends (many of them guys) that there’s a desire by men to feel needed. This is not to be confused with feeling respected. Mutual respect, to me, is one of the most important aspects in a relationship and I hope that if a man (or a woman) don’t feel respected that they opt out instead of being miserable. I could see it being hard to walk away from someone if you feel that they complete you. And in turn, sticking it out in a relationship which lacks respect. And without respect, love will not flourish. Allegedly some guys tend to want to be with someone who depends on them, someone who needs them. I’ve concluded that this is some type of awful ego thing. What’s wrong with being with a woman who wants you rather than needs you? I can only assume that is some kind of insecurity plaguing society. You know what fellas? There is absolutely no problem with wifey making more money than you. Chances are the reason she does is because you got a late start to your career because you were still trying to find yourself. Instead of taking it as a stab at your manhood take it as incentive to further your career (or make her stay home with the kids and cook for you and then you won’t have this dilemma). But seriously. It’s 2014, I understand our parents and grandparents having an issue with this but in this day and age that kind of stuff should be irrelevant. I am using monetary examples above but this dependency goes way beyond that. Another example is feeling the need to always have someone to call, text, consult with for decisions both large and small. You should be secure with yourself enough to not always needs someone there for you. For the sake of keeping this as short as possible I didn’t want to list all the examples, but you get my drift, right? If not, just stop reading because the rest of this may just confuse you.
Please don’t take this as a bashing post towards men. I am told that I come off as a man-hater. Public Service Announcement: I am not a man hater. I have a lot of men in my life I really admire. Like my dad, my 11 year old nephew, my brothers and brother in laws just to name a few. To be honest, I really think females are just as guilty of feeding into this dynamic as men are guilty of what I’m coining as an “insecurity complex”. Girl. Stop being such a damn princess. Seriously. Stop. It’s not cute. Do you really need a man to buy you everything and open the car door for you? You can’t do it yourself? You can. I believe in you. Hey, don’t get me wrong. I am all about chivalry but there is a difference between needing a man to buy you everything you have and wanting to feel appreciated. I don’t mind being treated like the princess (that I am). But I am also capable of fending for myself because mama didn’t raise no fool. I can pay my bills, replace my brakes and cook a mean meal. But if a man wants to do that all for me, by all means, he can be my guest. Just let it be known that I don’t need him to. Again, mutual respect and understanding, that’s all I’m seeking here.
Next matter of discussion. Ladies, please don’t dumb yourself down and please don’t settle. Just because it seems that everyone around you is getting engaged/married/knocked up doesn’t mean there is a race to the finish line. Newsflash: there is no finish line. We are all in our own race. Against ourselves. We should only be in a competition with the person we were yesterday. Compete to be a better you. Let destiny take its course and have faith that everything happens in due time. (You should also acknowledge that not everyone gets married so it may be wise to seek the companionship of some cats just in case).
Now, riddle me this. Is it so wrong to seek intellectual conversation with someone who is confident and secure in themselves? Is it wrong to be emotionally and mentally developed before plunging into a relationship with someone and spending the rest of your lives together? Marriage is emotionally exhausting, financially stressful and requires selflessness. I only know these things because all my married friends remind me of them and because I see it in the relationships around me. I find nothing wrong with being in a relationship and growing together I just know that’s not what I want right now. Marriage is a big deal and I hope to get it right the first time.
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